What Kind of Adoption Are You Having?

If we get asked one question beyond the question of baby specifics (gender, name, nursery theme), it's what kind of an adoption we are going to have. A totally open adoption? A closed adoption? One joker even asked us if we were going to tell him he was adopted! (I think he's going to figure it out.)

In the beginning, we didn't really know. Most of our friends who have adopted or been adopted have done so from overseas. We have one friend here in town who is adopted and told us that we had no choice but to have a fully open adoption where the birth mom is presented to him right from the start. Others have expressed concern that we all live so close and that maybe we should be nervous that she'll come around.

About this... Let me say that once the court documents are signed, sealed, and delivered, she has fully and legally relinquished all her rights. She cannot show up on our doorstep and demand the child back. If she were to take him, she'd be charged with kidnapping. Once we accept custody of him, he's legally ours. The process will grant us temporary custody after the waiting period, during which she can change her mind. I'm not sure how long the waiting period is exactly, but I believe it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 days. After that, we will go to court and she will sign him over to us. Then we have temporary custody for six months. During those six months, we will have 2 visits from our social worker, who will report back to the court that we are not screwing up too badly--the first visit at 3 months, the second at 6. At the end of that timeframe, provided everything goes smoothly, there will be one last court hearing, which will involve only us and our attorney, and the court will grant us permanent custody. B. will not be involved in that hearing at all--her rights will have been terminated 6 months ago. If, God forbid, the court finds that we are not adequate parents for this little dude, he would be placed in foster care.

From the beginning, we've said we would exchange reports and progress letters and photos. It's what I would want at a minimum if I were to be forced to make this decision and put my child up for adoption. When we were first matched with B. and talked with her on the phone for the first time, we asked her what type of adoption she wanted and she said that she would like to receive letters and pictures from time to time. It was a good fit.

As we look at the logistics of how this adoption is going to go, I know that in the days following the baby's birth, we will see B. again. We have agreed to transport her to a court hearing in Virginia in order to save ourselves an extra court date and an extra $1500. She will do a hospital 'walk out' with us--meaning that she will take the baby outside the hospital and hand him to us--thereby saving us the need to have a court order and another pile of money.

And when we met her, there was a connection that made me hope that we will be in contact with her for a long time. She is a lovely and smart young woman who one night made a mistake--a mistake that will grow into my family.

But at the same time, I feel strongly that it should be Little Jack's decision about what type of relationship, if any, he wants with B. Some adopted kids want a relationship with their birth families and some do not. I do not want to force him into a relationship with people he doesn't care to know, but I also won't prevent him from knowing them if he so desires.

So there's your answer--although I guess it's not really an answer. I guess we will just kind of do what feels right for all of us, but most of all what feels right to Little Jack. But I appreciate everyone's curiosity!! It's given us something to think about.